I just stepped in a big pile of sassy!

The holidays tend to be a creepy time of year when I hear from old loves or get the desire to contact them on my own. So far this year, neither of those things have come to fruition. Success! It’s sad, in a way, that people wait until now to reflect on the past. What I can say about my past, generally, is that the majority of my exes are either married or in committed relationships at this time. As far as I know. I don’t talk to most of them.

Last night I had a dream about an ex. I was 20-21 when we dated and quite immature. Fresh off of my first two serious monogamous relationships, I was determined to “play the field.” This determination resulted in being in a relationship without giving it the respect that it deserved. I was a bad girlfriend. I had a dream about this woman last night. We’ll call her Tricky (hey, it rhymes). In this dream, I was getting ready to out with her for the first time in a long time and really wanted to impress her. (This has been a theme for me - I’ve only seen her a handful of times since we stopped dating and each time has been painfully awkward, uncomfortable, and disturbing.) Since we dated she has become an uber-femme roller girl. She used to be a bit more androgynous, I suppose. Hard to say. Definitely not butch, though. In the past 10 years I have vacillated between andro/femme/butch with a smattering of genderqueer in there for good measure. Anyway, that is neither here nor there. In my dream, she was femme, and I was determined to be the hottest butch around to take her out on a date. Problem - I couldn’t find my pants. (What? I know. Blame my psyche. I just moved and am currently ensconced in a box farm.) I searched for HOURS for my pants while she patiently waited for me outside (must’ve been nice weather). I never did find the pants or take her out on the date. (Still, no closure.) I do believe I was awoken by the sound of a toilet flushing. Nice.

At any rate, my dreams tend to somewhat mirror reality or at least appear to give me some sort of reality check. I woke up afraid that my current lot in life/love is some sort of odd karmic payback for my misdoings at a younger age. I hope this is not the case. It concerns me that I’m not sure. Since when did I become so insecure? It is Christmas, after all - I suppose the best Christmas gifts are not material after all. Love without hesitation or reservation? Now THAT is a nice gift. After a shower and a shave and some afternoon relaxation I hope to put all of this into better perspective.

So far my second Christmas apart from my family in all of my 28 years on this planet is going well. I cannot complain except for my dreams. Tonight, sugarplums. Got that, psyche?

I added photos to my flickr page and to my facebook profile. Some of my friends have been requesting photos of my new home town/home state and I finally obliged. Only took me three months…

I wanted to add some sort of addendum or perhaps just a general addition to my last post. I had a friend or two request that I blog more. Really, I haven’t been going out as much here as I did in Minneapolis. It’s mostly a money issue. This weekend I will be headed to a Recycled Art Festival/Sale and possible to a Film fest, so that will spice things up a bit around these parts.

Oh, man - I stated this over a week ago!

Currently I am trying my damnedest to get my apartment rented. I am surrounded by smokers and need to get the heck out of dodge to save my sanity (and lungs). Cross your fingers and pray to the craigslist gods for me, please!

In other news, there is no other news - except that… you should definitely watch this video:
justin timberlake snl beyonce single ladies video
It helps if you’ve seen this one first.

1) I am very involved/enveloped with reading the book Twilight at the moment… even though I fell asleep reading it this afternoon. I swear, I’m in love with it.

2) I rarely blog anymore since I’ve moved here. I endeavor to change that.

3) I am trying to use more descriptive verbs and adjectives in my writing. I’m a stickler about it at work, so why not at home as well!

4) I am amazed at the number of Subaru drivers in my current city. No matter who (whom?) is driving, I can’t resist shouting “Lezbaru” each time I see one. The problem being that you see one every millisecond on the roads here. Baroo!

5) I am the kind of person who loves without reservation and hesitation. As my friend Katie pointed out recently, I seem to fall in love easily. I would like to counter that with the idea that I don’t necessarily fall in love easily, but when I do, I fall hard. I have fallen in like on far too many occasions but can count easily on one hand (with piggies to spare) the number of times in my life that I have truly been in love (and loved in return).

6) I miss my brother a lot. I miss my friends. I miss my parents. Though I am going through a lot of “missing” at the moment, I am not eager to come home. This is a problem and I know that I am being held back by confusion and worry. I am a runner, so I will have to leave town soon for an escape, though my hometown may not ultimately be my choice destination.

7) I have always been told that when someone is suspicious, it means that they are lying to you. I am suspicious. Am I lying?

8) I drank a cup of coffee today, without extra (usually vanilla) flavoring. Not only that, but it was caffeinated. I’m obviously an alien. Who have I become in the short time since I’ve lived here? Am I being true to myself?

9) On Thursday I went out to dinner with a handful of folks, one of them being the partner of one of my nearest and dearest friends. He commented that I was quieter than usual. Since I’ve moved, I’ve gotten that a lot. The moments where I’ve felt true, like the real me, are few and far between. I feel like I’m living in a suspense film, waiting for the climax, and then the denouement, a time to start fresh, a new. I feel bogged down by perceived deceit and confusion. I wonder when the true me will come back to life again.

10) Last one, as 10 seems to be a good number for an enumerated list’s closure. I am blessed and pleased to live in a nation that has finally made an educated decision for our country’s president. Though the choices alloted to me in this country tend to be slim and I don’t always agree with the top two candidates, I am glad that a person of color has been elected president in my lifetime. The ban on gay marriage in California (among other places)? - Once again, actions taken out of fear rather than love. Some day I hope my country finds love in its heart for all living beings.

Conversation 1:
- are you watching the debate?
the debate is just starting
Sarah Palin has her hair down
well, half pony
- She is going to win….
- hehe
she walked out to sen. biden and said, “Can I call you Joe?”
she’s such a doofus
- Is she? or she just psycho hot
- hahaha gross!
:) she has a minnesotan accent
apparently the town that she’s from in Alaska has a neighboring town with lots of ex-Minnesotans and that’s what her
“Fargo”-esque accent is being blamed on
- Nice.
- I think she has her hair down to look less like Tina Fey - she looks more like her when her hair is up.
she just said “betcha”
she’s wearing lots of blush to accent her cheekbones - it’s intense
haha she said “greater oversight” instead of “greater insight” - NICE!
biden sounds so boring - monotone
his eyes are very squinty
- I gotta go. She’s going to be on top, and show that Biden is a bottom

Conversation 2:
- ahahaha are you watching the debate?
Sarah Palin just said “heckuva”
and earlier she said “betcha”
omg!
- Hockey mahms
Joe sixpack
- hahahaha
I love this shit
except Biden is boring - I wish he was as amusing as Palin
- yes. LOL
- omg she just said “Darn right!’ SCORE!
- DRINK
Talk straight also
Gah
- hH
hah, even
TAXES. sucka.
I’m in love
someone should count how many times they say “John” “Barack” “McCain” or “Obama”
ooh she just said “espoused” - who taught her that?
- the drinking word last time was “fundamental”
- haha
her bangs are too long - they keep smackin’ her left eye
“detailed” “details”
oh the variety!
all in the same sentence
“pleased” and “pleasing” in the same sentence. Joy!
- I am at a friend’s house..we just now got pleased/pleasing on DVR
- hah!
“the ultimate bridge to nowhere” - brings the LOLs
I can’t hand his slicked down hair in the back - it’s too long in the back - looks geriatric Ken doll esque
*can’t stand
- Haha
- characterize/characterism/characterized - go Biden! hah
- Just crossed the LOL bridge
- she asked to call him “Joe” at the start and now she’s calling him “Senator Biden” - interesting
“bless their hearts - they’re doin’ what they need to do”
I feel like I’m up in Little Falls at the local cafe. hah!
- Oh gahd can I call you joe
lol
- FYI energy is her area of expertise.
- **spoiler**Palin sux
- “massive oversight that Americans are expecting and deserving” - WHAT? Is she speaking Engish? iNo comprendo!
- LOL
- “it’s a toxic mess on main streets effecting wall street” - FYI she’s a “mainstreeter”
Biden just said “readjust not just…” - and the “adjust” all in the same sentence
- lol
- she’s going to start yelling
she’s smiling but her voice is getting higher and louder and higher and louder
“heckuva” x2
- hehe
ugh
- she says “about” funny but at least she doesn’t say “aboot” - “planet” is awkward too
omg with the hair - and the baldspot - Biden - get a better barber!
“burning dirty coal”
I’d like to know the difference between “dirty coal” and “clean coal” - do tell, “Joe”
- lol
- “even in my own energy-producing state”
you don’t see Biden pimping the hell out of Delaware - do you? well, wait… what happens in Delaware?
she just said “raping the outer continental shelf” RAPE!
“setting HARD TARGETS on clean coal”
hah
dirty
well, clean, but… dirty.
- @_@
LOL that is me
- omg same sex marriage
well, at least she doesn’t say “nukular”
- hehe thank god
- “whaddaya”
“a team of mavericks”
I wish she would stop smiling her creepy smile
- she is creepy :(
- wow she just quoted Reagan
- ugh
- Sarah Palin likes tough questions.
she doesn’t know how to answer them intelligently, but she likes them

Conversation 3
- you watching this insanity?
- lol yes
- omg it is cracking me up
I’m blogging my conversations.
- biden deserves an emmy for not totally cracking up
- yeah! but really I wish he wasn’t so monotone
- ooo
- OMG SAME SEX BENEFITS
- same sex
- hot topic
does that mean two women?
cuz whoa
haha
or two men?
he just said “het-ro sexual” - YE!
YES, even
- ha
- omg I’m scared to hear Palin’s response
- he said same sex marriage
- “redefining the traditional definition of marriage”
fucker
“tolerant”
- TOLERANT
- I hate that word
I’ll “tolerate” you
she has a very diverse family
YEAH RIGHT!
- lol
- “tolerance”
STOP!
- she prob has a gay uncle
- you ‘tolerate” bad behavior - not homos
she’s “straight up with Americans”
Biden just said “No”
when she asked if he supports gay marriage
fucker
- yeah, we know that
- I know
but it still pisses me off
omg petraus (sp?) is not a great American hero!
no early withdrawal - hahah dirty
- “god love him but…”
- always gotta bring Jesus into it!
- that was biden. i think it’s funny
- our freedoms
our democracy
our tolerance
our respect for womens rights
yeah right!
- this drives me crazy
but this subject i mean
diplomacy
it’s scary how much international affairs are so much like high school.
- hah!
I think she looks more like tina fey (or vice versa) with hair up
- true
oh weird, it’s down
i didn’t notice. been trying not to look at her
- yeah I was wondering if it would be up or down
I’ve noticed - she’s wearing lots of blush
- girlie
http://twitter.com/FakeSarahPalin?page=1
- they both love Israel! how quaint!
- i am obsessed
- omg with the “maverick” talk!
“change is comin’”
- ha
- you can tell that she’s been practicing HARD on how to pronounce all of the foreign dictators’ names. hah!
- heh
she’s proud
he’s a pro
- he’s grown weary of her jibba jabba
haha he laughed at her
the American public has the stomach for success - and cheeseburgers!
- bosniacs
lol i can has cheezburger
- ahaha
she’s a “Washington outsider”
also, in related news, a jackass
- ha
- any word with an “O’” in it, basically is hilarious when she says it - Elongate those vowels, Sarah!
- condoning
haha
- are we pundits?
- “John McCain knows what evil is.”
Take that!
- how does being a pow for years mean you know how to win a war
- he also knows what crazy is - just find a reflective surface - there it is - CRAZY!
- lol
- um… I didn’t vote in 1932. Just sayin, Joe.
Wasilla Main Street
SHUT UP SARAH!
- how can any administration get rid of corruption? i mean, seriously
- wow I can’t believe I spelled “Wasilla” correctly off the cuff. go me!
“say it aint so Joe”
“doggonnit”
“god bless her her reward is in heaven, right”
so does that mean I got to heaven because I’m a teacher even though I’m gay?
- I CAN’T STAND IT
yes
that’s what she meant
- omg she just gave a “shout out”
- that was really bad
http://palinbingo.com/
- haha i saw that
- HUGE in size!
- “a huge energy-producing state”
people should drink every time she says energy
playing the “special needs” card
- wow
- MAVERICK!
“takin’ shots left and right”
- what a bitch
- MAVERICK!
twice in 60 seconds
- those people are behind him cuz he’s in the same party
duh
- “he is the man that we need to leave.. LEAD in the next four years” hahaha
- ha
- oh dear now Biden is saying it “Maverick Maverick Maverick”
- quasi caved in??
- “up there in Alaska” “up there”
Biden doesn’t question motives. He questions judgment.
closing statements - FINALLY!
- maverick
it’s coming
- I wish she would start calling herself a more feminine derivative of Maverick
- scare tactics
- not sure what that would be - but I bet it would be hilarious - and chock full of elongated vowels!
Biden’s buzz words are “progress” and “change” - not quite as obnoxious and used less frequently, thank goodness.
- i don’t understand why biden doesn’t just say “another republican won’t change anything”

As I sit here in my makeshift kitchen/dining area with the wind gusting through the window, I appreciate this perfect breeze. My armpits, which have been drenched in sweat for the majority of the day, are experiencing a much needed reprieve. This is, quite nice.

From my morning which started off in such an unusual fashion to my day that was full of good spots and just one bad one.

Today, waking extra early, saving time to go to the store for lunch (and breakfast) to bring to work. About to leave the store, realizing I’d forgotten my water, and returning for one more small purchase. Stepping outside, blurry memories of where I’d parked just moments ago, a glance across the parking lot to see a face I’d never expected to see. (I shouldn’t say never expected - perhaps never desired to see in person.) It is far easier to discount or ignore someone who hasn’t yet existed in any reality other than virtual. This face, attached to a small sinewy body… something that that was, in fact, quite expected. Surprised, half amused, just a touch saddened, I drove off assuming I made it out unseen. Shocked by this close encounter of the third (or fourth, or fifth) kind, I made my way in to work.

Shaking and nervous as I had been since I woke, I took my leaking coffee out of the holder. Lucky for me it didn’t start leaking until after the close encounter of the (oh my god i hate you why do you live in my town) kind. I do not hate - for others, I cannot speak, but can sense their feelings of unwelcome toward me.

Onward to a day full of mostly ups with happy engaged youngsters working together, strong role models. One dull rusty spot in the day involving a certain someone with whom I just can connect, not really. I can see right through the fake smiles and intention to please but only so far - as soon as the conversation is over and backs are half-turned, the eye-rolls begin (or should I say, resume…).

I can see past the disrespect. The intentional gestures to insult and belittle. I see right through them, I know them all too well. I move forward to a day of positive interaction and uplifting teamwork.

I drive home in the sun and blue sky with clouds above and mountains so close. I reflect on my morning as I sit, back to the perfect breeze, in my teeny tiny home with my new life and my yet unwritten future.

In the past two weeks I have:
*moved my life across the country
*said good-bye to friends and family
*adjusted to a new town where the gay populace consists mainly of lesbians over 35, few of whom are single
*enjoyed mountainous views
*driven. a lot.
*caused trouble (and had fun… and love… and so… I’ll leave it at that)
*spazzed out

Soon I will:
*start my new job
*relax (and have living room furniture!)
*meet lots and lots of new people

I think that about sums it up.

Also, the blogging community here (as far as I can tell so far) is non-existent.
Shucks.

I posted it on craigslist.
I could only post four photos with the ad - e-mail reply to the ad and then come over and buy my stuff!
Here’s the link!

Fruit Platter: An Evening with Award-Winning GLBT Writers!

Quatrefoil Library hosts a reading and reception with award-winning GLBT writers Jane Levin, Barrie Jean Borich, Chris Pommier, and William Reichard on June 11 at 7:30 pm. The library is located at 1619 Dayton Ave. in St Paul, MN. Admission is free, and refreshments will be served. For more information about the authors, please see details below.

Jane Levin’s poems have appeared in over two dozen publications and the forthcoming anthologies Drash: Northwest Mosaic and Best Lesbian Poetry 2008. She is the recipient of a Howard B. Brin Jewish Arts Endowment grant and a Jerome Foundation/Intermedia Arts Mentorship in Poetry.

Barrie Jean Borich is the nonfiction editor of Water~Stone Review, author of My Lesbian Husband, winner of an American Library Association GLBT Nonfiction Book Award, and a member of the MFA faculty of Hamline University.

Chris Pommier is a poet, freelance writer, editor and recipient of a Jerome Foundation/Intermedia Arts Mentorship in Poetry. His poems have been published in Kingfisher, the Big Q, Right Hand Pointing, and Silent Actor. Currently, he is writing for the grassroots citizen journalism portal, Twin Cities Daily Planet.

William Reichard’s first collection of poetry, An Alchemy in the Bones, won a Minnesota Voices Project Prize, and his novella, Harmony, was the recipient of an Evergreen Chronicles National Novella Prize. He is City Arts Program Director and faculty member of the Higher Education Consortium for Urban Affairs.

The MC for the evening will be Linnea Stenson, Academic Dean at Minneapolis Community and Technical College, 2004 Grand Marshal of Twin Cities Pride, and former Director of the U of M Schochet Center for GLBT Studies.

Questions? Please call (651-641-0969) or email (info@qlibrary.org).

I am 99% sure that I saw Tay Zonday today.
Who, you say?
The Chocolate Rain guy!

I was out biking in NE Mpls/St. Anthony Village. First I stopped at Urban Harvest for a sandwich (which, by the way, is right next to Rosackers which I LOVE love LOVE). Then, I went to Caribou for a cold tasty beverage.
Sidenote: NE Mpls needs more bike corrals. Especially in business that aren’t right on the street. There was nowhere to lock my bike. Uncool!

Anyway, I was sitting outside drinking my vanilla cooler when I saw a white Lincoln/Mercury drive up.
The following was my thought process at the time:
“Oh wow. That old lady looks just like Tay Zonday.”
“Hey wait a second - that’s a 12 year old boy.”
“No, that’s Tay Zonday.”
(he goes in to GNC)
“I’m losing it! I saw the new Weezer video yesterday. I must be mistaken.”
(he comes out of GNC)
“OMG That *is* Tay Zonday! Should I say something?”
(he drives off)

At the risk of looking/sounding creepy, I said nothing.
I wonder how I can find out if it was, in fact, Tay Zonday.
Curious.

If you are going to produce a movie about deafness, Deaf Culture, and cochlear implants, please include all of the signing with the frame!

It’s so frustrating to be following along with the signing and then have it cut to someone’s reaction while the other person is still signing. Especially during a conversation involving all deaf people.

Once again, deaf and hard of hearing folks will have to watch a movie about their culture, filmed by hearing people, without respect for their culture. They have to access it through written English (closed captioning).
What a disappointment.

The play is better, anyway (I saw it at Mixed Blood a few years ago).